What is really meant to be?

I don't get it, I'm not sure I ever will. I'm not even sure how to express what I feel into words.
I converse for over 3.5 hours with a wonderful woman, however I can't let go of past feelings. I know in my head that there are so many things to fix with the past it would be a long endeavor, however I can't shake the feeling that it would work and be worth while. Unfortunately I share these feelings with nobody.

It seems I need to continue trudging down this path unwillingly. I am so very conflicted. One part of me wants the past to be reconciled, and another part of me wants to be completely severed from that past. Unfortunately it seems neither will happen.

I think therefore I am. Are there degrees of "I am"? I can't help but ponder constantly regarding this and everything else in my life currently. This is no small task and sleep gets sacrificed.