Acceptance?

I don't know. I know that I felt a lot of rage yesterday and last night. I'm not sure what to attribute that rage to other than the constant show of irresponsibility and complete lack of regard for how I feel on a daily basis. I felt the rage but I was controlled throughout. I didn't do anything to regret. I spoke with jn and I'm not sure I understand much of anything. The only thing I can trust is myself and the love of my daughters.

Today is a new day. Last night I wanted to flee, I actually got to NY before I had the epiphany that I do not want to leave my girls. The true feeling of love I feel that's closest to me now. How can I do that? I need to embrace that love and nurture it.

Today I woke up at peace. I slept until 5 and went back to sleep. This is the first time since I can remember that i didn't wake up somewhere close to 4am. I feel better, I clean the kitchen, get the girls breakfast on and I test my peaceful feeling. I tell lpe to make a phone call. She looks at me like I'm crazy. This is a look I'm used to, therefore I shrug it off. I tell her to go outside and make a phone call I'm sure she really wants to. I tell her I'm not against her talking to jn but that I want her to be responsible about it. She agrees and makes the call. I still feel a little pain knowing what's going on and visually seeing it. I suppress it and read a little in my zen book for enlightenment and to get my mind off what's going on.

I'm just a bit annoyed at the fact that appreciation is something that doesn't seem to exist. I do clean the kitchen, I do take care of the girls. This I'm not seeking any appreciation for, as I do live here and I am their father. However it's the things I do above and beyond that role I would have appreciated a little gratitude. Such as I make her coffee, this may sound like a simple task but there's 3 or 4 steps to it. You get a mug fill it 3/4 full of milk and warm it in the microwave. You take the mug the coffee will be served in and put 4 packets of splenda in the bottom. When the milk has warmed sufficiently you pour it into the splenda, then the coffee goes in. It must be in that order of sequence otherwise it's wrong. Yeah.. really. The other thing I looked for a little gratitude towards was my acceptance of her conversation. A simple, "hey thanks that was great of you." would have gone a long ways.

I guess the hardest thing to accept these days is the selfish, self centered, deceptive behavior. This was a woman I loved dearly and was a pillar against those things. Or so I thought.

The day continues with me taking care of the girls then I have to "vacate" at noon so she can have "her time" it's all very disturbing. This like so many other things are void of my control.