So it's Saturday night. LPE is out on a date with JTN. good times.. Here's what I find out. I find out that they have actually tried a few times to get together. The last time they hung out and tried to reconnect, they were "bitchy at each other" The last time LPE tried was 6 months before meeting me. JTN was not interested, he had just started a relationship. Rejected LPE goes to Florida.
I feel used all over again, I feel as though my entire relationship with LPE was superficial and fake. Definitly not her ideal person to be with. I feel, at best, a second choice.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Rationalization
I'm having a hard time this morning. I'm having a hard time understanding her perspective, and I can't put myself in her shoes. I would never (yes I used that word) sacrifice my girls happiness for anything I had control over, especially another mate. I simply can't rationalize her perspective. There was NO attempt at making things better.
I suppose I have good days accepting this, and I have days like today when I can't begin to understand. Regardless I will do my very best to make the girls happy and well adjusted. I may not be able to control this situation but I can control myself and what world I present to Livvy and Abby.
This may be a particularly difficult day due to it being "date night" for Lynn. She's having "dinner" with jn. Acceptance of this is very difficult. With everything going on, I just can't rationlize any of it.
I suppose I have good days accepting this, and I have days like today when I can't begin to understand. Regardless I will do my very best to make the girls happy and well adjusted. I may not be able to control this situation but I can control myself and what world I present to Livvy and Abby.
This may be a particularly difficult day due to it being "date night" for Lynn. She's having "dinner" with jn. Acceptance of this is very difficult. With everything going on, I just can't rationlize any of it.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Acceptance?
I don't know. I know that I felt a lot of rage yesterday and last night. I'm not sure what to attribute that rage to other than the constant show of irresponsibility and complete lack of regard for how I feel on a daily basis. I felt the rage but I was controlled throughout. I didn't do anything to regret. I spoke with jn and I'm not sure I understand much of anything. The only thing I can trust is myself and the love of my daughters.
Today is a new day. Last night I wanted to flee, I actually got to NY before I had the epiphany that I do not want to leave my girls. The true feeling of love I feel that's closest to me now. How can I do that? I need to embrace that love and nurture it.
Today I woke up at peace. I slept until 5 and went back to sleep. This is the first time since I can remember that i didn't wake up somewhere close to 4am. I feel better, I clean the kitchen, get the girls breakfast on and I test my peaceful feeling. I tell lpe to make a phone call. She looks at me like I'm crazy. This is a look I'm used to, therefore I shrug it off. I tell her to go outside and make a phone call I'm sure she really wants to. I tell her I'm not against her talking to jn but that I want her to be responsible about it. She agrees and makes the call. I still feel a little pain knowing what's going on and visually seeing it. I suppress it and read a little in my zen book for enlightenment and to get my mind off what's going on.
I'm just a bit annoyed at the fact that appreciation is something that doesn't seem to exist. I do clean the kitchen, I do take care of the girls. This I'm not seeking any appreciation for, as I do live here and I am their father. However it's the things I do above and beyond that role I would have appreciated a little gratitude. Such as I make her coffee, this may sound like a simple task but there's 3 or 4 steps to it. You get a mug fill it 3/4 full of milk and warm it in the microwave. You take the mug the coffee will be served in and put 4 packets of splenda in the bottom. When the milk has warmed sufficiently you pour it into the splenda, then the coffee goes in. It must be in that order of sequence otherwise it's wrong. Yeah.. really. The other thing I looked for a little gratitude towards was my acceptance of her conversation. A simple, "hey thanks that was great of you." would have gone a long ways.
I guess the hardest thing to accept these days is the selfish, self centered, deceptive behavior. This was a woman I loved dearly and was a pillar against those things. Or so I thought.
The day continues with me taking care of the girls then I have to "vacate" at noon so she can have "her time" it's all very disturbing. This like so many other things are void of my control.
Today is a new day. Last night I wanted to flee, I actually got to NY before I had the epiphany that I do not want to leave my girls. The true feeling of love I feel that's closest to me now. How can I do that? I need to embrace that love and nurture it.
Today I woke up at peace. I slept until 5 and went back to sleep. This is the first time since I can remember that i didn't wake up somewhere close to 4am. I feel better, I clean the kitchen, get the girls breakfast on and I test my peaceful feeling. I tell lpe to make a phone call. She looks at me like I'm crazy. This is a look I'm used to, therefore I shrug it off. I tell her to go outside and make a phone call I'm sure she really wants to. I tell her I'm not against her talking to jn but that I want her to be responsible about it. She agrees and makes the call. I still feel a little pain knowing what's going on and visually seeing it. I suppress it and read a little in my zen book for enlightenment and to get my mind off what's going on.
I'm just a bit annoyed at the fact that appreciation is something that doesn't seem to exist. I do clean the kitchen, I do take care of the girls. This I'm not seeking any appreciation for, as I do live here and I am their father. However it's the things I do above and beyond that role I would have appreciated a little gratitude. Such as I make her coffee, this may sound like a simple task but there's 3 or 4 steps to it. You get a mug fill it 3/4 full of milk and warm it in the microwave. You take the mug the coffee will be served in and put 4 packets of splenda in the bottom. When the milk has warmed sufficiently you pour it into the splenda, then the coffee goes in. It must be in that order of sequence otherwise it's wrong. Yeah.. really. The other thing I looked for a little gratitude towards was my acceptance of her conversation. A simple, "hey thanks that was great of you." would have gone a long ways.
I guess the hardest thing to accept these days is the selfish, self centered, deceptive behavior. This was a woman I loved dearly and was a pillar against those things. Or so I thought.
The day continues with me taking care of the girls then I have to "vacate" at noon so she can have "her time" it's all very disturbing. This like so many other things are void of my control.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Affair to Remembr
I can't describe the feeling of having another man pursue your wife and actually achieve enough success to pull her emotional investment away from you. The deception is hurtful enough. Add the feeling of inadequacy and it tends to come close to bringing me to my knees. I consider myself a strong person but this is very hard on my psyche.
Lifting my chin to continue on is difficult as it seems my chin is quite heavy these days.
Lifting my chin to continue on is difficult as it seems my chin is quite heavy these days.
What is really meant to be?
I don't get it, I'm not sure I ever will. I'm not even sure how to express what I feel into words.
I converse for over 3.5 hours with a wonderful woman, however I can't let go of past feelings. I know in my head that there are so many things to fix with the past it would be a long endeavor, however I can't shake the feeling that it would work and be worth while. Unfortunately I share these feelings with nobody.
It seems I need to continue trudging down this path unwillingly. I am so very conflicted. One part of me wants the past to be reconciled, and another part of me wants to be completely severed from that past. Unfortunately it seems neither will happen.
I think therefore I am. Are there degrees of "I am"? I can't help but ponder constantly regarding this and everything else in my life currently. This is no small task and sleep gets sacrificed.
I converse for over 3.5 hours with a wonderful woman, however I can't let go of past feelings. I know in my head that there are so many things to fix with the past it would be a long endeavor, however I can't shake the feeling that it would work and be worth while. Unfortunately I share these feelings with nobody.
It seems I need to continue trudging down this path unwillingly. I am so very conflicted. One part of me wants the past to be reconciled, and another part of me wants to be completely severed from that past. Unfortunately it seems neither will happen.
I think therefore I am. Are there degrees of "I am"? I can't help but ponder constantly regarding this and everything else in my life currently. This is no small task and sleep gets sacrificed.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
No end in sight
No longer concerned with the romantic possibilities, I've turned my thoughts to the sadness regarding the patterns I had grown accustomed to. This is the sadness that I'm trudging through now. The patterns that no longer exist even though the people and places do. Hope must be maintained on the future. I used to claim the past forms the future, I've learned recently that not only the past will form the future but also the present.
Friday, August 7, 2009
The day after being served
This will continue to drag on me. Like a sea anchor on a ship. It weighs on me. I feel sluggish, not because of lack of sleep, but because I'm sad. I'm sad not for the breakup, I'm sad for the lack of trying.
After speaking with the opposition nesco for 2 hours I've come to realize that the opposition is simply putting himself out there and making himself available. It's the other that's jumping on that opportunity like she was a monkey and he was the last banana on the planet. My problem with nesco continues to be he accepting of the advances and willingness to condone the immoral behavior.
This situation has all the markings to fail. Both fresh getting out of long term relationships. Both trying to reconnect to something that failed twice before. I can only hope that the realization happens before the kids are involved.
After speaking with the opposition nesco for 2 hours I've come to realize that the opposition is simply putting himself out there and making himself available. It's the other that's jumping on that opportunity like she was a monkey and he was the last banana on the planet. My problem with nesco continues to be he accepting of the advances and willingness to condone the immoral behavior.
This situation has all the markings to fail. Both fresh getting out of long term relationships. Both trying to reconnect to something that failed twice before. I can only hope that the realization happens before the kids are involved.
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